What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that causes a person to doubt their own beliefs, sanity, or memory.

Gaslighters undermine the trust a person has in their reality. They create a world in which the victim’s point of view is untrustworthy, dysfunctional, or wrong.

Rather than a single event, gaslighting tends to occur over weeks or years. The gaslighter steadily chips away at the victim’s self-confidence and well-being. Over time, the victim’s self-doubt can lead them to feel confused, scared, and unhappy.

Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, families, and in the workplace.

Gaslighting is often used as a method of control over another person. When someone begins to doubt their own memory or sanity, they may come to depend on the gaslighter to make sense of things. In this way, the gaslighter is elevated to a position of power or authority.

Additionally, gaslighting invalidates the victim’s point of view. The victim is made out to be wrong or not to be trusted, so that the gaslighter always has the upper hand in the relationship. The gaslighter becomes the only one in the relationship who can be trusted.

The gaslighter convinces the victim they are wrong, misremembering, or are mentally unwell. They might say things such as “that never happened” or “you’re crazy.” Initially, the victim may not be convinced. However, the gaslighter is persistent, and over time the victim comes to believe the gaslighter’s point of view.

Gaslighters often enlist others—friends, children, or other family members—to bolster support for their tactics. For example, they may tell others that the victim is “crazy” and is not to be trusted.

Victims of gaslighting may...
Question their beliefs	Feel they are “going crazy”	Doubt their memory
Have trouble making decisions	Feel confused, scared, or unhappy	Have low self-esteem
Have trouble explaining their situation	Feel dependent on the gaslighter	Feel their emotions are not valid

Victims might think or say...
“I’m not sure what I think anymore.”	“I guess I must have gotten it wrong.”
“I can’t tell what’s real anymore.”	“I don’t even know what’s going on.”

How to Defend Against Gaslighting

1. Keep a journal to record your reality. Document events and conversations from your own perspective while they are still fresh in your mind.

2. Review the situations in which you were gaslit. Recall events from your own perspective, not the gaslighter’s.

3. Trust yourself, again and again. Your memories, thoughts, and beliefs are valid. Learn to overcome doubt and trust yourself once again.

4. Talk to people you trust. Share your situation with others who understand and support you.

5. End your relationship with the gaslighter. Healthy relationships involve honesty and safety. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, separate yourself from the gaslighter.